what’s the use of having friends when all they do is disappoint you, 

pull you down, trying to break you 

what’s the use of having them,

when you’re presence doesn’t make you feel you belong somewhere

what’s the use of having them,

when they don’t appreciate you or your hard work

why do I always have to be the one who is trying to be better? 

I can’t wait till I graduate,

yes I’ll miss them but I’ll survive without them

every time when a sad song comes on, 

all I want to do is just weep. 

maybe this is the feeling of being lost and unloved. 

I can’t stop what I’m feeling, I can’t control them. 

I need someone to tell me its going to be okay, I want comfort. 

I’m so tired of acting like I’m fucking alright. 

I am not. There is this empty space in my heart that is desperately needs to be filled up. 

I feel so empty, I feel so broken. 

I feel so unloved, I feel so fragile. 

my mind is troubled by the emptiness

I don’t know how to not feel it 

every time I stay up late, alone,

I started feeling the emptiness and the loneliness that could have been eased by a lover or a friend 

the thought of being alone forever, and being empty still terrify me 

the one I love will never love me, 

he always finds love whilst I find pain 

will I ever be loved by the one that I love?

find me, save me, love me

I can’t find the right words to speak

I can’t find the right words to write 

I can’t find the right song to sink into

I can’t find the right person to love 

all I can do is drown myself in a sea of words, 

a sea of beautiful written story or poem, 

words are my best comfort.

I want to write

I have so much in my mind

my heavy heart and mind needs to be understood 

; but I can’t seem to find the right words 

my mind wanders more than it should, 

questioning every possible “what ifs” and “what should have been” 

I wait, wait and wait and wait again 

answers never came, questions never being answer 

I believed changes would be made today

I believed faith in Malaysia would be restored 

I believed for once this would be a fair and pure election 

but no, it is such a shame to be acknowledge that Malaysian government is capable in applying dirty tricks just win the election 

don’t they know by doing so you have already lost our respect and love 

as for now all I know Malaysia has no democracy 

none at all 

I had faith, I lost faith 

I would cry for my people 

this is a trial from God to Malaysia

do not be despair or discourage my beloved Malaysians 

AKU ANAK MALAYSIA 

never ever give up on that title

a very close friend of mine who once changed my life with redirecting my perspective of God

I have no explain what happen to me, why I was felt torned and hurt 

and she gave me this: 

My prayer to you my love:

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV)

a simple prayer saved me from another breakdown 

how am I so lucky to have this friend with a heart of gold 

… they said 

but

not all blood is thicker than water, 

even within families people might not find forgiveness in simple things.

they may be selfish while you’re selfless.

I plead, I sobbed, I forgave, I learned and I loved.

but no one seems to find forgiveness in my sincerity. 

02.05.13

I’ve decided to start something new again,

writing, writing it all down

this time I hope I keep the promise.